How to Make a Bad Deal Worse

On November 3, 2009 Ohioans had to decide whether or not to amend the state constitution to allow casino gambling.  The issue was debated by supporters of the measure, who argued that casino license fees and taxes would be a boost to the state's economy, and opponents, who felt that there were numerous problems with the ballot language.  The opponents pointed out that the language was remarkably specific for a constitutional amendment, almost as though it were specially crafted to benefit certain interests, and provided for far lower licence fees and tax rates than had been seen in other states.  A study by Hiram College's Public Policy Analysis Group pointed out several problems with the initiative.  *end factual portion*

So, Ohio voters were mislead into approving a bad casino deal.  Now, (well June 4, really.  Not actually now) the General Assembly has decided to make them utterly unappealing with a set of rules that must have been drafted by the Temperance Union.  If you don't want to read the whole of the text (and I sure didn't) it breaks down like this:

• No one under 21 permitted in casinos. - I'm fine with this because I hate young people.
• No smoking in casinos. - I'm fine with this, too.  Smoking isn't permitted in nearly any other public place in the state.
• Liquor sales must end by 2:30 AM. - This isn't Vegas, folks.  What did you expect?
• Casinos will not be permitted to give gamblers complementary alcoholic beverages. - WTF?!?!?!!?

What a bunch of pricks.  Why can't these self-righteous d-bags let people have a small piece of consolation in the form of the one complementary beer you can manage to get a cocktail waitress to zombie-shuffle to the table per hour?  In most of my trips to casinos, I had a hard time finding anyone willing to take a drink order.  There have been times I was so thirsty I considered setting fire to the carpet hoping to maybe attract one waitress in the throng that always assembles when a fire starts so I could beg her to bring me a damn beer.  Even in the tribal-owned casinos, where nothing is free because they're going to get every nickel they can as revenge for all those smallpox-riddled blankets given to them years ago, I defy anyone to get a drink at a table in under 20 minutes.


The closest most people ever come to getting over on a casino is a night they are lucky enough to last at the tables or slots for the amount of time it takes to get their sixth complementary drink.  If they're really lucky, they metabolize alcohol like a Filipino (VERY slowly, and yes, I know that's probably a racist stereotype, but screw you.  I don't know any Filipinos who aren't bombed after three beers, and neither do you because they don't exist.) and they have a light buzz working at the time they bust out because the dealer hit a soft 17, drew a three, and took their last $5 chip.  Even as the poor sucker hears the smarmy "Better luck next time" from behind him, he can hold his head high.  After all, the drinks didn't cost extra.  Degenerate gamblers in Ohio will never know that feeling of victory, though, because the church ladies in the state legislature have decided that there can't even be a faux positive aspect to anything within Ohio's borders.  No, if you decide to patronize one of these houses of sin, they will do everything in their power to lessen the experience for you because they know what's best.


Some might say that prohibiting complementary booze in casinos protects gamblers from predatory operators looking to cloud players' judgment in order to increase the house's take, but I reject that argument out-of-hand.  People that make bad bets don't make them because they're drunk.  They make them because they're just generally messed up, and a mistake was just waiting for the right lighting to make its appearance.  We can't protect those people forever, so why should the rest of us (who will be making our rent/mortgage, car, merkin, etc. payments even after the casino trip, thank you very much) have to suffer for the sake of the screw-ups?


As a result of this horrible decision, I have decided not to patronize any casino within the state of Ohio for the following reasons:

1. They will not be paying nearly enough money into the tax coffers. - Normally, I don't support punitive tax rates, but normal businesses normally produce goods or services of use to the public.  Casinos do not.
2. They will not create enough economic impact in their communities to justify their existence.
3. Anyone who does cross the threshold of one of these places to plunk their kid's college fund down on 17 black because they had a gut-feeling will have to pay extra for the martinis they'll need to drink to get over the shame of having to explain why Junior suddenly has to do work-study after the damn ball landed on 34 red.

Please join me in my sure-to-be-ultimately-feckless-and-futile campaign against Ohio casinos.  I urge you not to spend one penny in a gambling house within the borders of the state.  If you must engage in self-destructive behavior, eat at Applebee's (do they even have a meal under 6000 calories, 4 lbs of fat?) or at least go out-of-state to gamble.  Find a nice gaming parlor on a reservation, pull up a stool, and make restitution to them, one pull at a time.